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Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
2:00 pm
surprise, i am still alive.
was wondering if i'd missed to frind anyone onto the journal i'm now using - flamesea.
please friend me there.
miss yas.

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Monday, January 19th, 2004
10:46 am - my god... it has been so long, and i am baffled still as to what worth i have in this world
let's start out by saying
my hard drive died today
and with it the five plus files of thesis work, ten plus of poetry, and all the other writing i have done in my 'professional' and 'personal' lives
so i'm in the cluster trying not to cry
also i cannot afford even the books i need to not fail my classes
this is _not fair_
but life is not fair, but - but - it hurts so much i no longer know what to do.

i'm tryin so hard. i write in my other journal and try not to bitch out the two-faced, the manipulators, the ones who've taken secrets and twisted them around to me.
aim is dead too and with it the only link to many of my friends.

well if i am tired of having my heart hurt
maybe i should take this as a clue and give up on nick
but i gave up on others for being human
and i don't wanna give up on him as a friend
he's male, he's 20... those alone allot him a certain amount of stupidity
and he's allowed his own muddle through to search for happiness
i just wish, like so many others i wish it for, probably myself too, he'd
think
once in awhile.
even that wouldn't matter if he'd call me, though. i can't; phone card gone.

speaking of getting hurt
there's a reason i'm posting here
i found out that j. from halloween has a journal... i wish to fuck i had found it before... talks about the things he likes to do to women
this includes what he did to me
huh
once again i turn up the joker
maybe i should've let him do what he wanted to even more
maybe then my idealisim would have been totally broken
maybe that would be a good thing
in low moments i wonder if i should subject myself and go crawling back
begging to be hurt
begging to be dehumanized
but i would surely kill myself
i don't get off on that

there was one person i told my thought of going back to j. so i would have a reason to kill myself, to hate myself
and he physically held me back from the door out
and he told me
he'd never be my friend again if i did that
and i don't want to
but
is he even still my friend? i

scare myself when i get into a manic episode; or even a stress-related need for _out_... i am not asking for a crutch
but just to know someone cares enough to keep me from self-destructing
was kinda nice
even if the only reason was he didn't want
blood on his jacket
which wasn't the only reason; i saw it in his eyes
during the breakdown i said to nick and mary 'i love you guys'
and i meant it
it was a state in which i was vulnerable enough to say it
and nick said 'we love you ari'
and mary said 'we love you too'
... i am scared that he was just trying to calm me down
yet i hold some fucking thread that he meant it
not as a relationship
as love
pure human blood

oh, i am tired of crying. i can't have an absent or dead computer. i can't.
and i am counting coins to get my books. god fucking damn.

the most ironic part of all of this is
i feel like no one takes me seriously
whereas if alex has a problem with frank talking to tarsha
she pretends to get mugged
and everyone immediately focuses on her
and piffy? god damn her
she knew what i am, she was told secrets i do not wish her to know, and she used them against me, she is a slut and there is little other word for it, i am feeling betrayed by alex and piffy because they did not even tell me that nick was back, piffy obv. just wanted him for a fucktoy but there is no way to excuse alex's overlook of me, she coos over me being her oldest true friend and she knows i care about nick and miss him and then just as i forgave her for being shameless in oct. and begging him to do things to her which we all know what happened, she does not tell me he's back, instead lives with him for days
i'm gonna lose him just to their claws
i'm gonna lose him 'cause they're gonna manipulate him
and the situations
and he is too blinded by sexuality and declarations of eternal megalomaniac love and friendship and breasts from them, from her
to notice that the ugly ones of us get swept by the wayside
maybe he cares
but i feel so invisible and so unwanted

i ain't been sleeping much or well
i'm so weary of it all

current mood: wearied

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Thursday, December 4th, 2003
2:31 pm - Don't screw my friends over. I smell blood.
If he is flirting seriously with the other, if he is going to take what he may or may not see himself as having and throw it away, if he is _going to hurt my friend through taking up some skinny plaything_, I will go in with teeth this time. When I was involved or not I behaved myself alright, maybe I said or bitched more than I should, but that's how that went.

The 'he' I speak of above is not Nick, and I can't talk clearly cause all I have is hearsay.

Other things? I am on Zoloft. I am scared as fuck of Zoloft, and my body doesn't like it, and I am in counseling for depression and who knows what all. I wonder sometimes what would have been different were I not so gung-ho about fucking pople earlier this term, if I hadn't happily been in the orgies, if I hadn't had that crazy lust for so long. I need to have sexm dammit, still, but at least - Gods help me, at least i am not trying every single moment, cause like I said before.

This room has become a commune this term. i don't know why i live here. I do know that I'm dead scared they'll kick me out soon, as by rights I have my own and they need space, and Nick's now used to sleeping with at least one other person. It's so - so - real. I so need it. But I can't ask, if i'm invited / not minded I shall stay here, it's safe and it quells the irrational fears that I have, the fears of the dark, the fears of the night, of the things that may or may not exist, and most my fear of _the dreams that haunt me_. I haven't talked about them. They are freaky. So scary. So scary.

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Friday, November 21st, 2003
5:14 pm - Long-overdue bitchfest
I do not care who sees this. If someone from the other journal wanders over and finds it, well, if they take offense then TOO FUCKING BAD thankyouverymuch I am being courteous enough not to air laundry where everyone will fight /use my opinions against their companions/ dislike me for having my own fucking opinions.

Okay. I am SICK of the drama around here, SICK of my own continued cyclicals, SICK of the way people are behaving, and very very quickly losing ANY FUCKING RESPECT that I have or may have had for most people involved. I'm well aware I am immature, idealistic, cynical, bitchy, and masculine in personality, but you know what, I am going to god-damned rant for a bit. The cycles of the people around here. They call themselves polysexual but you know what they may be they may not they are all acting like the only reason they say they are poly is so they can fuck around as they please and, having claimed poly status, somehow be less responsible for their actions. Sorry. Doesn't work like that. Tyler is the only person so far whose philosophy / practice of his behaviours is anything like what he claims; he's said he'll give all his girlfriends attention / a good time but he's not going to claim a primary and he knows it isn't the way he's always going to live his life, and if they're cool with that, then, well, yay. Right now I am so fucking sick of the household's/ex-Pack's/multiple harem's SHIT that the only person in it I feel sorry for is Harmony, who has so far as I can see only attached herself to Frank, and is starting to open up / become another dimension of herself - which seems to be a new thing, and a real thing, but maybe I'm not seeing everything, though I mean that. As for Frank, Chii, Kirk, Piify, Shane, Jen, whoever the fuck else is involved, I'm TIRED OF THE DRAMA, sorry and all but really god damn it. I am going to continue to listen, talk, and that will not be false I am just getting irritated with it all. They know this; therefore they have replaced me with Nick as mediator on the double count points that Ari is a) bitchy and b) unstable. Guess what? It hurts to hear that! Because nobody gave a fuck what was happening to me before I lost patience with them! Jesus fucking Christ! This is the first term I have felt at all inclined to physical violence and believe me my punchings of Nick are not meant to i jure him but damn it all, the stupidity and IMMATURITY of people lately is TOO FUCKING MUCH. How many times do you need to be in the fucking spotlight? are you that convinced that if you aren't a) fucking multiple people and/or b) having a very visible crisis they will forget you? Or maybe I'm a good example of the second! Because that is what ALWAYS FUCKING HAPPENS! You mean to tell me you're calling one primary and then bemused at why she gets mad/hurt when you dont' sleep with her / see her / talk to her for a week? God DAMN it, really? Wow!
I fought with Nick twice yesterday. Yes this is another issue I am thoroughly undone about and I don't like being undone about anything. Am I still attracted to him? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. I would like to be treated with the same respect / whatever he gives to his other female friends, and not as some odd form of male counterpart - Believe me, it fucking feels like he sees me as a bi male; the worry is there that the Unattractive One will attempt to jump him, but on the other hand here's someone cool to ogle girls with! Jesus Christ he got pissy yesterday because Mary and I were just being snuggly the night before, because he likes her, fun! Well guess what how do you think it feels, felt, what-fucking-ever to watch you and Chii, you and all the other girls? I fucking feel as if for some reason I am less than female and you know what THAT ISN'T EXACTLY COMFORTING. But then I turn around and Nick is so close to me, my mind, my thinking, knows what to tap into to get me knows how to heal me when nobody else can... the dichotomy of the deep, deep feelings here is so wearing, so confusing, and I hurt. It gives me headaches but there is no fucking way I would not have it.
Also the more respect I lose and the more people games appear stupid the less I am interested in believeing or agreeing to anything they say is gospel, I promised that i would not cut myself to three people, and I'm wondering exactly how much word means to one of them, but the other two? Well one has proved herself to be damn close to my soul and the other knows the sea. So those stay, but I worry that if the one who knows the sea fucks me over - and I worry MUCH about this, for it is Nick - I'll go retribution / last resort and cut. Cut deeply. Deeply for to show and deeply for the long unquenched thirst.
I am forging my friendships/acquaintances quite outside of anyone's opinions now, thankyouverymuch, I am beginning to talk a little more than just acquaintances - or more often - to people such as Sean and Andrew, and I don't really care if anyone chooses to lump me in a group because I don't fucking play to the piper. I will listen to anyone, I will talk constructively, I refuse to smear names of to help bring someone down in any way short of something legal that I believe. Just because I won't dance to anyone's gospel puts me on the outside, and believe me I tried the inner road, but my way of being me kept me apart and fucked me over anyways.
That said, I am horribly lonely, and much of it is probably my own damn fault. Well too fucking bad. I needed to rant. GRR.

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Monday, November 17th, 2003
7:29 pm - no, i don't wish to be dead
that would be too easy

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1:54 pm - So, I return to somewhere I am loved and also anonymous from the campus
Because they do not need to know anymore how messed up I am. and some of you still know that I exist and I do not know how to apologise for this shit except to say, I need to yell talk bawl be fucking HONEST ABOUT SOME SHIT and I can't edit myself any longer in the flamesea journal and if you read me here TAKE ME AS I AM I BEG YOU FOR I HAVE NO RECOURSES OR ENERGY LEFT
I am listening to Eminen, I drank seven cups of coffee and four Advils, I have eaten salad and sugared lemons today. I have not been fucking sleeping except when I sponged off Nick which makes me a bitch anyway and I can't explain why sleeping next to him with my face squashed up between his shoulderblades makes me feel safe but damn it all and no regrets IT'S FUCKING TRUE and I don't know why I love, why I trust, but I do and goddamn it allll to hell I know it true.
I just made a new playlist. If you know what I do when I want to break my ears, this is worse.
I need to go to the fucking counseling center. I'm scared to go alone.
There is NOTHING in my life right now that is up to any par, my own or anyone else's. I do not know what to do and there is nowhere I can go. Does anything fucking matter? I'm seriously questioning that. I am a spoiled brat and a fuckup and do not tell me otherwise. IF IT WOULD DO ANY GOOD TO KILL MYSELF I WOULD THINK OF IT BUT I WILL NEVER DO THAT I PROMISED MYSELF
I am worried so much about Nick. About everyone in this but
TO BE HONEST SOME PEOPLE HAVE MORE EMOTIONAL ISSUES AND I AM ONE OF THOSE SO WHEN ANYONE WHO IS MORE FUCKING STUBBORN THAN I AM IS SHOWING SIGNS OF BREAKING DOWN I WORRY MORE THAN I WORRY WITH THOSE WHO ARE SLIGHTLY MORE DRAMATIC ALRIGHT?????????
Jesus Christ.
I want to cut. I want to tear mysefl apart and eat my own flesh so I don't have to think and don't have to feel so bad and don't FUCKING HAVE TO FEEL anything.
But DAMN IT AND BLESS YOU AND FUCK YOU I PROMISED I WOULD NOT BUT I AM ALREADY SHIRKING THE EATING PROMISE SO WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO LIVE FOR ANYMORE
I don't know
I am so mad at myself and I feel so hopeless
and No One needs to hear this, I am sorry

BUT I AM CONFUSED AND SCARED AND PISSED AND I FUCKING HURT BUT I WORRY MORE ABOUT THE PEOPLE I WOULD GIVE MY FUCKING LIFE FOR

So I write in here til further notice. If I disappear it's to be known that you are nott o worry about me.

Fuck it all and no regrets.

current mood: fucked up

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Friday, October 3rd, 2003
9:15 am
I'm sorta moving house, lately. I might still update this, or I might return. If you want to be friends with me, my new place of residence is over at flamesea ... but don't mention this jouranl there, please.
I'd like to stay in touch...

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Wednesday, August 6th, 2003
7:06 pm - maybe it takes one to know one
or maybe i'm slow
or maybe eli's right; why wasn't i a psych major - but the answer's the same thing that got this started and makes it make sense
i am too tactile eli said that, too

i am not reading the rest of book five right now i will get what i need other places: this has been a very good, strong summer for me, old wounds closed and healed

but scar tissue is more fragile than skin, and it's pinker, too: there are few deep wounds that will disappear
i am just lucky that the ones on my left cheek did

jkrowling. long sleeves and pants in interviews doesn't talk about her private life has a baby has a marriage the fifth book is darker more adult she's approaching midlife maybe it's time to start talking only of course; blame it on someone else so your hero isn't written off as a self-indulgent torture psycho, cause if you've a hit series ppl emanate
it's said that we deal how we know
hermione? something's gotta give no one is that controlled there is always some outlet and the more controlled the more intense the outlet need be the time/catcher or whatever last book made me wonder
hermione's like rowling
but there's more
maybe hermione's like rowling but rowling is splitting her psyche among her three mains or more between harry and hermione
and it was the way she wrote it
it takes one to know one
it's the resurgence of the addict's memory; no matter how much it fucked you over the memory of the release (no matter what hell to pay came after) is - there

the black quill. if i'm being too cryptic. of course if i'm clear as mud then i'm happy for you cause it's not something you know and probably it is not something you need
don't ever think of it
gritting teeth you keep on
after awhile it doesn't really feel
it
s just a gratification to not even have to work SO hard on something for such instant results and to actually have a form of lack of control yet control: we fear our bodies when they are not inside us
ok, for those os you who don't know this about me, maybe you don't want to know, but if you know me then you know too much already. don't read the rest of the journal if i've only told you to read this entry, please.
i have darkish skin for a white girl
but it's still white girl skin
white girls scar pink
and scar tissue is always tinted like blood.
if you've carved - yes, carved
symbols
tallies
pain
tears
because you are not going to admit that you are less than perfect; you've played it for so long, ppl expect it now and are disappointed when you're not
poor hermione
that's why it wasn't HER punishment
would be too clear
harry's the tortured hero
and you can bet right now that that's never gonna pass a pg 13 on a movie and you can bet that it won't be in the movie
at least i'd lay good money on it
and maybe it makes sense because voldemort - you have to name the things that haunt you, even that ties in, harry always does it and ppl flinch! - what did voldemort leave behind
what do kids do at halloween
if you gave harry contact lenses and shaved his head
well
see
it still ain't changing anything
rowling. starts writing about her demons. i'm trying hard as all hells not to let this into nightMares, fairyTails, but -
do not believe that unbled a bite is any less potent with magic and truth DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE I WOULD SCARE YOU i didn't mean to allude
we write to purge our demons
but the addict's urges talk thru
and i knew it when i read it
and that is why i will not read the book
maybe, to go a little further, she had mother problems
lady of the black quill and closed-in nights
kinda sounds familiar though that wasn't it for me
rowling knows what she's talking about very little is accidental even if you don't know why you did it
i'm not surprised she knew how many books there would be at the start of it
i wonder how old she was when she stopped
ron, as a foil for hermione - in being with ron and in arguing with him she at once shows herself why she has to be herself to the nth and also is trying to surround herself with another alternative mode - a foil in the books
tooks? the girl she always wanted to be
but she was the plain one
ppl thought she was the good girl ppl thought oh there's nothing wrong what could be wrong even so? she's not manifesting it by dyeing her hair or anything therefore she's got no problems IT'S ALL UNDER CONTROL well some of us
don't have long black robes to hide under
and as soon as a movie has hermione, harry, both, either with anything other than long clothes on we will know the point either eluded or was ignored by and of the directors/producers/editors
and i bet that will be the first movie jkr is disenchanted with
and i'm gonna post this cause i've spilled too much
try so hard to ignore the memories because they are so bad they are pure feeling in a time of bleakness of despair at least something was crips and clear and don't pity me that's why we don't talk but that's
how i can tell
keep doing it if it's not forever the first time

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4:37 pm
raven
Ravenclaw. Logical and dedicated to learning, you
sometimes forget the smaller things in life.


A genuine Sorting Hat quiz
brought to you by Quizilla


H'm, took it again, actually surprised same answer. Was sure was going to be Slytherin or perhaps Gryffindor. Maybe I'm more sane than during the year.
Or maybe it was that chocolate question...

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9:23 am - Who, me, spam?!
Eliana is attempting to get dressed slowly and she has announced she is awake. We'll see. She's appproaching consciousness but I'm not sure it's not a very good act...
Went to bed around 130 yesterday. today rather. Early, and I don't like going that early...
Haven't been writing fic lately for numerous reasons sorry to ppl and hugs to all. I miss you guys; hopefully I'm still on some ppl's friends lists...
I am going to expand nM. I am scared of this. I am also very, very excited. Very freaked out. Tesseracts and wormholes and rabbit holes and impurities and out of whackness.
Oh yeah. i got the bestest shoes yesterday! Three ankle straps with buckles, black leather with studs, 4-5" stiletto heels, three skinny toe/frontfoot straps. Alice shoeses, or perhaps just sex shoes. Will see, maybe they'll come in handy.
Eli just announced that my coffee smells abominable, though she used a different word.
I forget what word she used, though.
OK, she's making progress, going to bug her more.

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8:49 am - Oh, and can I add something(s), too.
I'm making a serious attempt to read the fifth HP by the end of my time here without appearing too antisocial. I am also attempting at present to poke Eli into being awake enough to communicate with me and not the paper/her chocolate milk, cause I'm ready to be awake and she's not yet.
i guess I shoudl try to be more useful today than i have; it's not very good that I've done so little yet.

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8:39 am - morning
am at eli's house, doing some bits of work, banging about, sleeping a little, not really being helpful but they're being nice about it... will go home eventually i guess.
was supposed to talk to clint last night about us, about what we have and if we're staying together through the year, he's unsure, in some ways i so wish i weren't his first cause i know how much it can hurt, this, & he doesn't... but he wasn't OL. guessing tonight. if there's one thing worse'n the uncomfortable talk it's not getting it over with. i never was very good in limbo.
alcohol, alcohol, alcohol. five plus gallons total so far; rubbing alcohol. holy fucking shit agh.
i have no idea what we're having for dinner tonight yet; eli's dad was amazingly sweet and offered to take me out thurs night, all of us go to an indian place... i guess there's been more stress at home with the way my mom's austerity is becoming somewhat, it's kind of nice to be able to breathe and not be told when.
i'm drinking instant coffee, sugar, and hot water. yummy. i'm eatin alot. pig pig.
anyways, morning all.

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Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
7:51 am - Been a long time
I've been informed I'm not writing enough in here lol.
keeping a paper journal, sometimes.
Went to California for a week, out on train, back on train. Did nothing remarkably worth screwing myself over about hooray.
Saw Julia YAY.
Need to see Eli.
Have no idea if am getting ymself into situation or not.
Taking out student loans.
Trying not to think about school comign up because i makes me cry.
I saw Clint Friday for a blessed 2 1/2 hours. We made out in back of a cornfield and talked and played on the tramploine and swing. It roxed. I MISS HIM now more than ever *wahhhhhhhhhh*
We've been having rain, storms.
I have to go do laundyr now.

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Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
7:06 am - secret steps; running high
are you on fire? from the years? what would you give? for your kid fears?

I fly the coop, at least for a time, Thursday morning wiht my mum. We leace Worcester a little after noon and hit Chicago the next morning, then San Francisco two and a hafl days later...
I'm sending postcards. If you want one, leave a comment before Wedsnesday morning... that way I'll be sure to take your address. (Oh, might be a good idea to get me your address, too...)

Julia is in Oregon.
Eliana and I might make it through the summer with partly intact mentals. We would like that, I think. I feel fat.
i have not had word from Clint since friday night late. I am down because of this. I don't think, under any rationalities, that we'll meet up before I leave, and this makes me cry, because I want to, need to. I sat down on the floor yesterday morning and had a crying jag. My mom has no idea what to make of me.
What was Bacon's Rebellion?
Anyway...
heading out for now.

current mood: peculiar

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Thursday, July 3rd, 2003
11:23 am - crystal blue persuasion
la la la...
life is strange as ever
i want to see my boy before i leave for the coast next week :( but i'll come back
i always do
bad penny whatever you want i just tore up half the floors in the old house so that's a good day's work
covered in scratches
but worth it
i am smaller than i have been for years now - by a pound or two is all, but it is odd
b/c i have muscle tone as well
beginning to wonder where this girl came from
who's living in my head
i have moments of peace and days of wondering who the fuck i am
don't we all
i sleep sometimes i walk the nights asking things
and killing the damn mosquitoes
i'm not proud of the country
so i'm laying low for the fourth
i don't know what he thinks of me, nor what he sees in this girl
but maybe there's something to it all

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Tuesday, July 1st, 2003
7:35 am - looking out for love / on a night so still
but the night wasn't still. Sure, around three it was laden with that heavy deadcalm and mosquitos that prewarn weather, and then later - fourthirty? the sky opened again and we had a deluge, short, but powerful. I saw the North Star clear before I went to bed and yet i didn't get to sleep for a long time. I never knew anything and I know less now, and nothing has happened. They say not to swim in a static pond, it is dead. But static situations? Are they dead or is the action just far enough under to only burble once in awhile?
The moons phases changed last night; from dark to waxing - technicallt it's still the dark of the moon but it's waxing now which feels different. Relief in a way.
Though things have become more hopeless. I don't think i'll be able to see Clint now until August. How can we even hope to keep what we might have when we don't even know for sure and we won't until we see each other? Candles don't stay lit for years to come, and I never pretended to believe in miracles. Maybe that's what makes an agnostic. You don't believe in miracles.
I don't know. I'm wearing down.

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Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
8:03 am - ...
life is so strange.
as often i really literally have no idea what the fuck is going on.
so, anyway. c. has a life this summer that is driving him crazy and leaves _no_ time apparantly to see me. says his parents are overprotective and expect him to do what they plan over weekends. i'd laugh if it weren't so totally familiar and mirror-image-ical. it's been over two weeks and like always there is no proportion to what happened or if and what is going on. he says he would have rather not gone as fast and had a week or a month to talk with what we did do but he did enjoy it. we are emailing. i can't do the aim thing and i am not wanting to anyway because so much gets blown out of proportion that way. not interested in hurting anyone again.
it feels like i skipped into a different speed groove on the record player and that this one is totally full of dust and scratches but it might be the right one for me. though how do i know until the pause button gets turned to play? sue me for combining technologies.
six kittens running around house three soon to have new homes.
doesn't look likely that i'll see c. until mid july. is that too long? too long for what? am i dumb to think, to hope? fort kent is a four hour bus trip from orono. well guess what i'm willing to do weekends once in while if we alternated. but i'm assuming or hoping to assume too much.
i don't know what is going on. i think something is. i want to cry because this isn't easy. we stalled before we even had a proper start it seems. and add this to it= i can't sayanything around here. my mother wants to know what's going on. how do i tell her that technically nothing at present? eliana has been saving my sanity but it's not enough. wah.
oh for a shorter bike ride that it would be to get to augusta. i'd go in an instant.
if he wants to see me. that is.
fuck fuck.

current mood: frustrated

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Tuesday, June 10th, 2003
5:06 pm
you called me beautiful
you called your mother she was very tan
then you packed your tent and went to live out
in the arizona sand
you are a refugee
from a wealthy family
you gave up all the golden factories
to see,
who in the world
you might be


ahh... joni... the first line; you called me beautiful people laugh things like that off as sentiment but oh it is real. i was always the ugly kid, always the one getting by on personality not looks, always the girl who's yeah great and strong and maybe even so wacked she's cool but -
but being attractive, and more than that, being attractive to another person sexually? as much as i am to them?
hat's so strange for her, folks, she never really thought about it happening. she always played up elements and toned down others, changed things even slightly, wouldn't dare let herself be seen in day-old teeshirts and jeans (jeans yes but) and pool-frizzy-crunchy-poofball hair, no matter how low-maintenance she claimed to be, she wouldn't forego makeup for a dinner thingy just cause she didn't really like it - not if there was somone there she wanted to see - never before would she do that, no. c'mon, her feet are small and cold and sweaty and often stink. that's somethign to worry about hiding, right? the way she sweats when working outside. that's a state she never would want anyone to realise she exists in, much less hug someone when bugspray and sweat and blood are the present state, not someone she's interested with, right. she never thought that any male might actually be into her without her tricking, begging, etc him.
well she's beginning to wonder if perhaps she was wrong. she worries that even writing about it will make it dissappear, evaporate. but then she catches the stray thought - hot tub, moving closer in half-dark; walking in step slowly down the hall to her room at one am, arm around hip and arm around side hand resting near breast and ribcage; 'fuck it, i have a sports bra on' during a massage offered because her lower back hurt from period cramps not six hours after the meeting where they were both way more interested in food; holding hands tightly so as not to fall head over feet trying to descend several thousand feet of steep mountain after the moon set; ticklish spots - or perhaps squirming spots rather; and other things - hugging tight prone on the bed before saying goodnight after the massages; a breif foray into the steamroom during which nothing happened; remarks upon the evils of rope harnesses and one's crotch; and still other things - talking for ages about how this couldn't work and how had this happened and instinct and attraction and whether more would further the problem and then losing the conclusion somewhere in joined blue and grey eyes (hers are grey) and the way a small, innocent, closed mouth kiss somehow led further, far further, not thinking but feeling - the way the other bed was cleared with a swoop of her arms (and she'd had a LOT of stuff on it) because the first bed was too far away; and kisses; and she remembers looking at her foot in the air and feeling nothing but - but pure feeling and agony of the amazement because his mouth wanted to know what her breast felt like, and she never really knew attraction like that before; and the conclusion that they had to sleep in separate rooms that night; and then early-morning knock on her door - she'd said, come by if you get packed or whatever if you want, and she in night tank and wrap skirt asking, how did you sleep? cause she hadn't slept friday night but 1/2 hour b/c of strangled dreams and thoughts, and he, restless - shut the door and forget anything resposibilities b/c the bodies are close again and oh; and she saw him, and he saw her, and he looked at her with a face that said things she'd never seen before, and she called him beautiful and he called her beautiful and their left eyes had alsmot the same prescription and they were scared and they resisted forces slightly; but when things come to pass other things happen and so it was that she had her period and he didn't care because he wanted to taste her and she wanted to taste him; and there were long tablecloths on the tables at meals and their feet were happy but their bodies didn't eat much at all; and when goodbye came the rooms were empty so they stole quick kisses in the short elevator.

i don't know why i just posted all that. wow.

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7:16 am - we interrupt the regularly scheduled whining in this journal
...
I'm really glad I have a personal journal, this one.

I went away for the weekend. One of my scholarship places has a junket trip - Outward Bound day, panel speakers, all held at a resort hotle in western Maine - free once/year, and this was my first time going there. I hadn't even been sure I was going until a couple days prior. Can you believe that one, now, cause it's a maze of chances and actual decisions and the yes, there's nothing to do so I'm going. I wasn't the only one did that.
Maybe that's some of it.
I found a Fleetwood Mac tape. ...Rhiannon.
I'm going to learn to drive. I might have to borrow cars once I get the liscence, but I need to be able to drive. There's places in rural northern Maine that buses don't touch, ironically, there's universitites there too. And there's seniors at universities. (I mean, it'd be weird if there weren't, right.)

I didn't pretend about ANYTHING. Usually I'm changing a little, or exaggertaing the little elements, thinking it might be helpful. It hasn't though. Has it ever? No, may be why nothing ever -
I didn't explain or apologize about my weird skin. I didn't pretend that my scars don't bother me. My hair tastes yucky when it's been in too much cholorine - yes, it's just the right length to choke on!

I don't know if this is what. I know I'd like it to be. I know we don't have beliefs stopping us from. I know we're both confused. I know I'm amazed at what instinct and nture does. I know I have small cold feet. I now know that the small of my back is not ticklish but very sensitive and makes me squirm. And my earlobes. I know long tablecloths in boring panels are very cool things; feet can play ... :)

I don't know a lot. I know a lot. i feel alot. I haven't thought over much, but we talked for ages and then decided that more wasn't going to helpmor make worse the problem. I don't know if it's a problem or just a non-ideal situation. I know I'm comfortable with just being me here. I know - Maybe I've always been the girl who gets along wiht former class geeks.

I'm so amazed at what my body can do. I'm so fucking confused about a lot of stuff.

So there you have it. Or not.

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Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
4:42 pm
sleepy.

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